Magical Mayhem
by yaoi kitsune
Summary: "He may have been bound by a prophesy, but this he could fight".  After the defeat of You Know Who, Dumbledore sets himself a new task  for the Greater Good of course .  Let operation 'Hitch the Boy Who Lived' commence.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own these characters. If I did I would be an insanely wealthy women living it up with my billions, not a nearly destitute student.**  
****Beta: **Writermerrin**  
****Rating: **PG13 for language and suggestive themes**  
****Pairing: **Harry/Luna/Neville**  
****Warnings: **Threesome (not graphic), humor and crack**  
**

Sunlight streamed through the window of the oval office, glinting off the numerous items of questionable origin littered throughout the room. Behind a desk, an old man sat. The man was Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, head resting on his steeped fingers as he contemplated his most difficult student, Harry Potter. The boy had been aimless since the defeat of Voldemort all those months ago, and he could simply not let it continue. A boy of that power needed someone to motivate him, challenge him and most importantly keep him in line.

While contemplating this, his eyes wandered out the window, coming to rest on the students frolicking on the pitch. Gazing blankly for a moment, his eyes suddenly sharpened.

'That's it,' he thought, 'the boy needs a partner'.

Smiling in anticipation, Albus turned from the window, summoned his parchment and quill and began to compile a list of complimentary candidates. He would tell the boy once it was complete.

Standing on his perch in the corner of the room, Fawkes rolled his eyes in disdain at the humming old goat. He would simply sit back and enjoy the fallout. It was bound to be entertaining.

Later that evening, Harry made the trek to the Headmasters office, wondering what the old coot could want this time.

"Can't be the Dursleys, he already controls them. The Weasleys." He paused in the corridor a minute. "No, controls them too. Voldemort's gone, so he's out."

He continued to mutter the countless possibilities.

Reaching the Gargoyle guarding the entrance, he merely raised his eyebrow with a dreamy smile stretching his face while stroking his wand, imagining all the ways he could make it move. He had become a bit sadistic since there was now no Dark Lord to keep him occupied as an acceptable outlet.

The Gargoyle seemed to get the message. It hastily moved aside to let the obviously unstable boy through, waiting until he was out of sight before moving back with relief.

In the office, Harry sat opposite the headmaster. Having already declined the offering of the lemon drop, he had nothing left to do but notice the growing twinkle in periwinkle blue eyes with dread. That look had lead to nothing good for him in the past. It brought to mind philosopher stones, Triwizard Tournaments and Merlin-be-damned prophecies.

Oblivious to the boy's escalating thoughts of doom and gloom, Albus decided it was time to advise his student of his fantastic news.

"I've noticed you've been rather aimless recently, my dear boy, and I really can't let it continue."

Harry attempted to interrupt, but Albus steamrolled ahead. "I know it's been difficult, being set apart from your peers." He continued. "It must be lonely, so to help with this I've decided you need a partner. Somebody older, a person who can support you."

A look of excitement settled on Albus' face as he gained momentum. "I've compiled a list of eligible suitors that I've managed to whittle down to three. They shall begin arriving one at a time so you can spend some time with them and determine their compatibility. Won't this be brilliant?" Albus beamed at Harry.

Harry remained rooted in his chair, stony expression set in place. A few seconds passed. He slowly rose from his seat, turned on his heel and exited the room. The door closed silently behind him.

At his desk, Albus watched the door with a bemused expression before dismissing the boy's odd departure. He was obviously in shock over his altruistic actions. He'd be back tomorrow gushing his thanks.

On the other side of the now-closed door, Harry felt sadistic glee well up from his soul. He may have been bound by a prophesy, but this he could fight. Laughing evilly, he went in search of Luna and Neville. He needed his partners. They would have fun with this.

**Suitor One**

The next morning, whispers floated through the corridors. The Hogwarts social network had been working overtime. Apparently, a figure with a remarkable resemblance to the star seeker of the Bulgarian national Quidditch team had been sighted making his way to the castle in the early hours of the morning. Harry believed this was too much of a coincidence to be anything other than the result of the Headmaster's manipulations, but decided to put it aside until he had seen it for himself at breakfast. If it turned out to be true, then they would plan accordingly from there.

Walking into the great hall, Harry's eyes instantly gravitated towards the teachers' table and landed on the Krum...great. He walked to his seat at the Gryffindor table, then locked gazes with Neville. The boy's soft light-brown hair flopped gracefully into his eyes as he slouched on the table. In the last year he'd grown, the puppy fat had left and he'd become more confident in himself. Neville returned Harry's stare and raised an eyebrow, then they both looked to Luna at the Ravenclaw's table. Her pale hair framed her face, yet the dirigible plum earrings were still as visible as ever. She sensed their stares, and her head moved towards them as she smiled dreamily back. Many would miss the innocuous looks, but they knew better. Those looks held more meaning for them than any of the mundane conversations taking place throughout the hall. A wicked smile twisted Harry's lips. They understood each other. They knew the first threat. Now was the time to plan.

By mutual agreement they met in the Room of Requirement after classes. During their time at Hogwarts, the room had become their ally in avoiding the annoyances of boarding school life (Weasley's, Weasellette's, and Know-it-all Beavers to name a few).

After making themselves comfortable, Harry decided to get the ball rolling.

"We can't kill him."

Luna opened her mouth.

"Nor can we feed him to one of your friends."

Her mouth closed and she pouted.

"He's the best seeker there is, and Quidditch comes first." Harry left no room for argument

"So we just incapacitate him seriously enough that he's deported back to Bulgaria," Neville stated nonchalantly.

"Exactly." Harry was happy that at least one of his partners understood the sacredness of Quidditch (Neville really didn't but figured it was better to humour the boy. He could become a bitch if he didn't get his way, and Neville wanted to continue getting laid thank-you-very-much).

"His broom."

Neville and Harry glanced at the pouting blond in puzzlement. She stared back with a clarity that few saw.

"He's an international Quidditch star. He's not going to stop practicing, even to woo you. You both want to deprive my friends of a tasty treat, you target the broom."

Grins spread over the boys' faces.

They turned back to the disgruntled blond and began to advance. Krum could wait. They had a goddess to appease now.

After a very satisfying romp, they finalised their plan. It was decided that they wouldn't attack the spellwork of the broom. That would be too easy to detect, not to mention they weren't confident enough in their subtlety to pull it off. Subtlety had never been their strong suit. It was Harry who suggested targeting the tail. The bristles of the broom were important in determining its balance and capabilities. Replacing them with a different material would alter it. However replacing it with just any wood would not be enough. Krum was so famous for a reason, and it definitely wasn't his looks. His skill meant he could adapt. For that reason they had to do something daring.

It was the middle of the night when three black figures navigated the ground to the edge of the forest.

"I always wanted to dress as a burglar," Harry whispered in childish excitement.

"Black is the sacred colour of the kumblehoppers" Luna added.

Neville ignored them both as they came to a stop in front of his favourite tree. Luna might worship her crazy creatures, but to Neville this tree was God. The Whomping Willow.

Under normal circumstances, getting twigs from the violent tree would be impossible. Fortunately for Harry, Neville had formed a bond with the tree while nursing it with Professor Sprout during their second year. So while the tree would never give up anything to help Harry (That car had HURT), for Neville it would.

Leaving Harry and Luna out of the tree's reach, Neville continued forward. Sensing the boy's approach, the tree's branches parted to let him through. He placed his hand on the trunk and began to whisper. What he said, Harry and Luna would never know, but by the end they had a basket of twigs from the volatile tree that would serve their purpose perfectly.

Navigating their way through the halls of the castle, the trio made their way to the room Krum was residing in. They had a broom to find.

After sweet talking the portrait guardian, they entered the room, taking in their surroundings. The living room was neat and orderly. A trunk sat in the corner, waiting to be unpacked, and some books in a foreign language were stacked on the coffee table. However there was no broom in site. Harry hadn't really expected there to be. Life was never that easy.

Heading down the hall, they passed a bathroom and came to the closed door that they assumed hid the bedroom. Slowly pushing it open, they held their breath as the room was revealed. They took in the bed housing the sleeping Quidditch star then focused on what they came for. The broom rested on the wall next to the bed. They'd located their target. Now it was time to get down to work.

Luna's job was to keep Krum asleep. It wouldn't do for him to wake up while they were working, and the blond was an expert in the realm of sleep (apparently many of her creatures resided in the land of dreams). While she did this, the boys started on the broom. Neville focused on the Whomping Willow's twigs, making them malleable for Harry to work with without compromising their personality. Harry, being the broom expert, was tasked to reassemble the tail.

After three hours of mind-numbing work, they were finally finished. Placing the broom back where they found it, Neville gave the twigs one last caress of farewell before following his partners out to the door. At the threshold he paused and surveyed the figure sleeping in the bed.

"No hard feelings, but Harry's ours. I can't let you have him."

They returned to their respective dormitories and went to sleep.

The next morning they heard the news through the Hogwarts grapevine. During his morning flight, Krum's broom had gone out of control, crashing into goalposts before ploughing him into the ground. He suffered a fractured skull and a dislocated right shoulder. His left arm was broken in three places. Three broken ribs, a punctured lung and both legs were broken. It was decided he would be returned to his healers in Bulgaria who specialised in Quidditch injuries.

Harry grinned. One down, two to go.

**Suitor Two**

The revelation of Severus Snape as suitor number two came as a shock to everyone. Previous to this, the common thought concerning Dumbledore and his plans was that he was an eccentric genius. Now Harry and Neville were leaning more towards mad. Luna's opinion on madness was debatable.

Neville was slouched on the couch the Room had been considerate enough to provide, playing with Luna's hair as she leaned humming against his leg. They watched the pacing figure in front of them indulgently.

"And why would Snape agree? What could Dumbledore have possibly offered him?"

Neville sighed. Harry had been at this for an hour now and was showing no inclinations of stopping soon. And while watching his partner lose his cool and whining like a three-year-old was amusing and slightly endearing, they really needed to begin planning. Snape was the head of Slytherin for a reason. Compared to him, Krum was child's play.

"Harry!" Neville snapped.

Harry stopped pacing and turned to face Neville.

"Snape's a Slytherin. Start thinking like a Slytherin."

When Harry continued to look clueless, Neville elaborated.

"If you were offered complete control over someone you'd always resented, say Malfoy, what would you do?"

"Ask what the catch was?"

"Well in this case, the catch is marrying you and gaining complete control over the combined wealth of the Potter/Black fortunes," Neville pointed out dryly.

After coming to terms with the idea that, yes, Dumbledore had offered him up like a cosmo to an alcoholic, the partners got down to planning. They couldn't go the same route as Krum. Snape may be a bastard but he was still a Potions Master. He'd notice if they messed with his ingredients.

Luna looked at the two boys hopefully. They'd already deprived her friends of one suitor, surely they could give her this one.

Seeing her expression, Neville and Harry exchanged a glance before shrugging. How many potions masters did the world really need anyway.

"You can have him," they said simultaneously before being pounced by an ecstatic Luna. They were not seen for the rest of the day.

After curfew, Luna made her way to the Slytherin Heads quarters. Harry and Neville weren't needed for this. This was between her and her realm now, the realm behind the veil where her creatures resided. The creatures that others scoffed at and disbelieved, even in a world of magic. The creatures that were her companions from birth. Tonight was their time to play.

Reaching the entrance, Luna stared into the eyes of the guardian, her eyes beginning to glow and her aura becoming visible around her, twisting in ribbons of light that ate the shadows. Salazar stared back before sighing.

"I told him not to get involved in this," he murmured. "But he wouldn't listen. Now I guess he pays the price."

The portrait moved aside and Luna entered. The man she was after was sat in front of the fire with his celebratory brandy, oblivious to her presence. She walked forward on silent feet, leant down until her mouth was next to his ear then giggled. Snape jumped up and spun around. He stared in shock.

"How did you get in here?"

"You should have listened to Salazar, Severus Snape. But you didn't and now you're mine. It's time to play, Severus Snape."

From the darkness of the room, creatures began to emerge. Wrackspurts, Umgubular Slashkilters and her forever loyal Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. If only Granger were here now, then she would believe.

On the other side of the door, Salazar shuddered as he heard the screams coupled with the childish laughter. You should never attempt to come between a believer and their chosen.

Bidding the creatures goodbye, Luna left the room. Wishing Salazar a pleasant evening, she returned to her dormitory. The creatures were happy tonight. When they were happy so was she.

**Suitor Three**

When Mad-Eye Moody appeared on the scene, they knew that Dumbledore had truly lost it. The man was old enough to be Harry's grandfather, for Merlin's sake. On the plus side, since Dumbledore was obviously scraping the bottom of the barrel, it was a safe bet that this was his last 'suitor'. It was also apparent that Moody's paranoia had done nothing if not grow since the war. They could definitely play on that.

The plan was quite simple, and involved a potion that Harry was very familiar with: Polyjuice.

Neville grinned in satisfaction when he presented them with the potion. None of the trio were proficient in potions, unless of course you wanted a highly corrosive, incredible unstable time bomb. For this reason it was decided to raid the late-Potion Master Snape's stocks. Neville was ecstatic to volunteer and Harry and Luna were happy to agree. People may focus on the Potter/Snape feud, but no-one had suffered more under Severus Snape's tenure at Hogwarts than Neville Longbottom. If getting one-up on the memory of Snape offered him some closure, they'd go with it.

When Alastor began to see Potter everywhere he turned, he began to get twitchy. The boy still had classes; surely he should be attending them. He attempted to subtly enquire with his teachers, asking about progress in class, sure they would confirm he was skipping. Unfortunately for Mad-Eye, each teacher confirmed Potter's attendance, mentioning the obvious withdrawal from Wealsey and Granger and the increase in his grades. That's when the paranoia began to set in earnest. He became jumpy in crowds, trigger happy with his wand and his eye was continually twitching.

Harry, Luna and Neville noted all this with glee and decided it was time to go for the killing blow. When Moody locked himself in his room that evening in an attempt to recoup, they followed. They'd already found a secret passage leading into the room. Neville and Harry took the door while Luna took the passage. Entering quietly, they headed for the bedroom where Moody was collapsed on the bed.

Alastor started when he felt two hands manacle his wrists. Eyes springing open, he took in the visage of Harry Potter at the head of his bed. He was about to attempt to break the grip when he felt someone straddle his waist. His head jerking around he found another Potter astride his torso, smiling in wicked glee. His heart rate increased to dangerous levels as he began to hyperventilate. Albus was right, the boy was dangerous.

"Hello, Mad-Eye."

A portion of the wall had moved to reveal another Harry Potter pointing his wand at the man on the bed.

It was all too much for the ex-Auror. His mind snapped and his gaze went blank.

Neville tentatively released his wrists as Harry began to climb down from the bed. Luna came over with a dreamy smile that looked disturbingly out of place on Harry's features. It was done. The last candidate was taken care of. It was time to leave.

As they left, Harry and Neville incredulous that it had worked, Luna hummed quietly. She'd let them continue to marvel at their success. They didn't need to know about the interference of the Wrackspurts. It was amazing the kind of stress they could exacerbate in the right brain.

In the Bahamas, morning sunlight streamed through the gauze of an open window landing on the figure entangled in the sheets. At first glance all occupants seemed to be sleeping, but on closer inspection it became clear that one of the trio was awake. Hazy emerald orbs peeked out from behind sweeping black lashes, taking in their surroundings.

Looking back on it months later while lying sandwiched between his two companions, Harry was left feeling a smug sense of accomplishment for a job well done. Now his life could really begin. Closing his eyes, Harry snuggled back into the embrace of his partners and surrendered to Morpheus. Living his life could continue later.


End file.
